'Just Calm Down' Might Be Hurting You.

Sign of the Times June 17 2026

It’s ridiculous to tell people just to ‘regulate their nervous system’ when they’re living through abuse, crisis, global upheaval.

We are not a collection of parts that can be fixed, overridden, cranked back into place.

The idea that we are, well that’s the sign of the times. Saying we need more progress. More production… even in your healing work. Just… figure it out and get back to it.

Your nervous system is a genius and yes, when you regulate it over time, you’ll feel more grounded, more present, safer in your body and clearer in your mind.

I want that for us.

But many of us have grown up in a culture of widespread emotional neglect and suppression. We’re taught that our emotions are dangerous, not welcome.

And then taught that we just need to calm down.

That if we’re anxious, something is wrong with us. If we’re angry, we should regulate that.

And people take this information to mean that they are flawed, and if they could just locate the problem inside of themselves, they could make it stop. Release it. They’d feel better. Because the problem is their nervous system, right?

And it keeps people chasing this elusive ‘calm.’ Everyone else seems to have it.

We want it, and if we don’t have it, we must be dysregulated, right?

It has people suppressing how they feel and unable to listen to themselves, worried that their emotion is another sign that something is wrong with them.

But calm comes after the storm, you can’t skip to it while simultaneously ignoring how you actually feel, what’s actually true.

No regulation isn’t fake.

I want you to learn how to regulate your nervous system.

It’s a profound experience to find yourself more and more settled.

But people chase it like it will solve every problem, and in the chasing, accidentally override themselves trying to achieve something that isn’t even the goal.

Like being unbothered even when they are, in fact, bothered.

Feeling ‘safe’ instead of listening when every bone in their body is telling them they actually need to take action.

Forcing calm when everything around them is chaos.

That’s bypass. That’s suppression.

That’s the opposite of creating nervous system capacity - which is the ability to feel, the ability to respond appropriately, to know the range of your expression, and to return to a baseline.

And that’s profoundly different than finally achieving a state where nothing bothers you anymore. 



When people come in having been told they need to ‘regulate,’ I’m always curious first: what’s your environment like? Who’s telling you that?

I’m sure as hell not going to tell someone who’s living in an abusive home to relax.

Because healing isn’t about calming down. And when you ask someone to calm down who actually needs to rage, to fight, to flee, to move… to trust themselves.

You’re asking them to go against their impulse, against their own knowing. To locate the problem within.

But the truth is you’ve been incredibly adaptive.

And your emotions are meant to move through you.

And they don’t always feel good. They are giving you information.
I want for everyone to feel calm, present, loving. Safe.

But its not always about deep breathing or doing a vagus nerve exercise.

There are moments when that’s just another flavour of avoidance dressed up as nervous system regulation.

Sometimes things actually need to change. And we won’t feel ‘calm’ until they do.